The Ugly Side of Marriage.

03 January Ayesha Farhad 43 Comments

This is one topic that no one likes to talk about. Marriage for many people is the fairy tale that they have always dreamed of. Some marriages work out, some don't. You live with joint families and you live with nuclear families. There are a lot of compromises involved. Some are extremely happy with their marriage (touchwood), some find comfort, some have toxic relationships, some don't want to get married at all.

There are a few things that I have learned during my five years of marriage. Few things that I have seen other people experience it. Things that friends have told me about. Some are good and some are bad. But today, I would really really like to talk about the ugly side of marriage. And by writing this, I don't mean to imply that I am going through it, or maybe I am in a rough patch, or it will necessarily happen to you or all of the below are going to be a part of your life. A healthy marriage is something that you have to work towards all your life. If you give up working towards your marriage, you won't find the joy in life's little things at all. Like other life experiences, it is all about trial and error.

1. You will fall out of love and that is okay. I have no idea why two people in a marriage are forced to be in love all the time. It is okay to be not in love all the time. There are days when I don't even want to see my husband's face and I am sure its vice versa. That is human nature. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore or care less about him. There are days when I want to give up the whole idea of being married. If you are a parent, you know there are times when you think parenting is way too hard and you want to just take a break from being a parent for atleast a day if not a few. The same applies for being married. The whole idea about being in love 24/7 365 days during a marriage just baffles me.

2. You don't have to feel guilty about spending time alone. I am a part of MANY mom groups where women complain about their husbands spending a whole day with their friends or staying out too late. What is he? A man-child? Spend some time on your own, man. I am the kind of person who loves spending time alone. As much as I love my husband and love spending time together with him, I need some time alone for my own sanity. I used to feel guilty about actually feeling good when he was out of the country for work purposes. Not that I didn't miss him. Of course, I did but spending time on my own made me feel so much happier and actually respect the space between us. I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do without having to run by someone or anyone having a say in it. Hell, I could fart as loudly as I could without having to compromise my dignity. And it is just not me. I am sure when I am out all day with my son, my husband gladly accepts that day to catch up on his sleep and watch as many political talk shows as he wants and piling dishes in the kitchen sink (i think they get a weird sense of happiness after piling dirty dishes in the kitchen).

3. You might inherit a man-child. Now, there are certain men on whom this rule won't even come close to the application but there will be days when you will want to scream on top of your lungs at him for leaving his socks in the middle of the hallway and for leaving a sodding wet towel on the bed. Bad enough you are doing it for your children and then another full grown man-child comes along. But you know what? Let this be a lesson for you to teach your children basic manners so that fast forward to a decade or two, a woman like me isn't typing all this all angry and frustrated about doing basic chores that her husband should be accountable for.

4. You might have a critical boss in the house. You know that overly critical boss in your workplace who is always criticising and controlling with what you do? Yep. that's your other half. Now whether its the wife or the husband, there will always be one. There will always be someone who will think that they are right. Either of you will be so critical of everything the other person is doing. And you know why? Habit. Both the partners in a marriage become so habitual to each other that they don't realize when they are over-stepping personal boundaries.

5. There will be a lot of compromises. I am a very 'do-whatever-you-want' kind of parent. While my husband is a very hands-on parent. If a work has to be done a certain way, it will be done that way. While my husband has made peace with my freestyle parenting, I know he will always be the helicopter parent. Now there are going to be big decisions where either of you will have to make compromises according to your lifestyle, like buying a house, making personal changes, making monetary changes, moving in with family, moving away from family. These are all things that no one can predict but the toilet seat will always be up. No matter how many tutorials you show him about how to put the toilet seat down, they will all go in vain.
My husband is 7.5 years elder to me and we are never on the same mental level but we find joy in mutual hobbies and keep going. That is a compromise. There are days when I am an actual child and want someone to understand that but the age gap does come in between and I have to compromise on many things and so is the same case with him. If you live in a joint family in Pakistan, you know that you will have to make a lot of compromises for his family, for your sanity. And when people say 'oh compromising is the beauty of marriage' i want to bitch slap them and tell them that it's not. Like all things in life, there is always an ugly side to everything.

There is good, bad and ugly in every marriage. It is always up to you and your partner whether you want to oversee the good and focus more on the negativity or if you want to learn from the bad and focus more on the good. The key to a healthy marriage is to listen to each other. If you think your partner is toxic (read about it here), take a look at your marriage and see what harm it is doing to you. If you see someone saying 'there is no ugly side in a marriage' you have my full blessing to bitch slap them.

43 comments:

  1. I am happy to say after 3 years, we aren't having any of these issues. I consider us lucky

    ReplyDelete
  2. I liked it a lot! I am happy that there are brave women out there who talk laudly and openly that relationships sometimes arent ideal!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love is 24/7/365. Like doesn't have to be. Just because I don't like my kids will never mean I don't love them. I think the term "falling out of love" is an oxy Moran. Love is a choice. Choose to be in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One chooses to be in love but one can definitely fall out of it! But my falling out of love it doesnt mean that you start to dislike that person. You still have feelings for your partner but just dont feel as strongly as you did in the beginning.

      Delete
  4. THis is a beautifully written pieces. I especially found point one to be very relatable but point 3 is definitely the one I find myself living with.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is a great article and all married couples can benefit from your POV

    ReplyDelete
  6. Marriage is something that has to be worked on, that's for sure. I certainly have a slight man-child every now and again, but with two children keeping us busy there is no time to focus on the negatives :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yeah, wifey and I haven't had these problems 6 years later. I will say that I occasionally do feel a bit of guilt when I'm not hanging out with her while I'm doing my own thing like watching a movie or playing a game. It's tough, because while I want to spend every waking minute with her, I also want to play video games and watch sci-fi stuff lol

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love how real and honest you are about blogging and I applaud your candor. I agree that relationships are not always plain sailing and there will be times where all you do is fight, but I agree that it is important to be able to spend some time apart and not be with each other 24/7!

    ReplyDelete
  9. "You don't have to feel guilty about spending time alone." This is so important I think. You really need time apart sow hen you're together, it's even more special.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I agree with all you have said. Marriage is not a walk in the park. Many don't understand that.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years, and together for 10, and we've definitely had ups and downs. I wish people were honest more about how you have highs and lows and it's just great to have someone to ride through life with that you love.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've been married for 27 years and I've learned there are always highs and lows, as with any relationship. I think the key is compromise. I don't always get my way and he doesn't always get his, we care enough about each other to give in. It also helps when you marry your best friend ��

    ReplyDelete
  13. Such an honest 'review' of marriage. It's not all butterfly and rainbows. But so worth it if you keep these things in mind...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I feel blessed to be married for 35 years and loving every minute of it. marriage is a partnership, respect is the upmost importance to your significant other.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Marriage is a really test in life. We don't really know everything about our spouses. It takes lots of work and communication to make a marriage strong. I think it is important to always remember that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is such a subject which is important but interesting too, to share our experiences. An you did so in candid manner.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can certainly understand the ugly side of marriage. I am a marriage mentor at my church. I am honored to say that after 16 plus years of marriage, I met the man of my dreams and I am truly happy and we fall in love with each other daily.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Struck a chord . Maybe because I am Desi , married 5years with two lil ones and a husband who is 7y older than me . Also leaves his sock in the hallway and a wet towels on the bed. My embarrassment when guests walk in to his socks ��

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think this is great! All too often people fake how amazing their relationship / marriage is. Nice to hear someone give a real and honest opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, it's just how life is. It's just how relationships are. You can expect to be feeling "butterflies" in your stomach every single day after 5 years.

    But, at the end of the day, what really matters is that you have that one person in the world that you can rely upon and look forward to.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Marriage takes effort on both sides, for sure. My husband and I have been together 10 years. We each had 2 kids when we got married. We've had 2 major disagreements since we married - and both were over parenting differences. Since the kids are all grown, we've really enjoyed each other's company and even share a home office. However, we do know how to give each other room to breathe. I'm an agoraphobic who rarely leaves the house, so he cannot stay at home as much as I need to.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I really enjoyed your ugly side to marriage, thank you because it was refreshing and very realistic. Its not always running off to the castle and living happily ever after and I think having that idea can bring a true shock to those who expect it to be that way 24/7!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Love this! Not Many people are willing to talk about the ugly side of love! Thank you for your honesty!

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is such an honest post. You are 100% on point with your observations about marriage. I have been married for 10 years and for sure it is never a bed of roses 24/7 - There are ups and down.

    ❥ tanvii.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. As a women who has been married for 7 years, I'd say your right on point here! I struggle with compromise, but that's just because I like to have my own way (haha!)

    ReplyDelete
  26. My husband and I always say, "Marriage is for grown folk!" Indeed there will be great days and not so great days. However, when we said, "I do," we said it until death do us part. One of the things I try to do is always consider my ways. What I mean by this is some of the things I accuse my husband of, I have to examine myself and make sure I am not displaying any of those characteristics. My husband and I have regular "honestly sessions" where we are able to express our hearts in a way that doesn't offend the other person but we both commit to really hearing each other. I think strong marriages are the ones where you find people who are free to openingly communicate about their feelings without feeling like they are being judged.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You've hit several nails on the head here. Marriage takes work, respect and understanding on both parts. If you have all three I think you can work through most issues

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love being married and having the 100% support of someone all the time. You've made some good points about marriage too

    ReplyDelete
  29. We have split after 23 years as I think we both forgot to put the effort in with each other and grew apart. We are starting to date again which is making us realise what we had in the beginning and hopefully we can make it work again.

    ReplyDelete
  30. This article is a fresh breath of air! It’s so transparent. I think many people are afraid to say that they hate or fall out with their partner every now and then.

    ReplyDelete
  31. A lot do happen in marriages, there are good days and their are bad or not so good days, but love and good communication do resolve a lot of issues. I love your insight and I sure have heard and read a lot about things that go wrong in marriages, its best to learn from these stories too so we can avoid them happening in our marriage as well.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'M NOT MARRIED BUT I HAVE A BF AND WE HAVE ALL THREE SIMPLE RULES. WE ARE A PRIORITY, NEVER GO TO BED MAD AT EACH OTHER AND TAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER

    ReplyDelete
  33. Loved reading your honest advice. Compromise seems to be the biggest thing for a long lasting future together.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I love this post. Although I'm not married (yet) I can seriously relate to a few of these for me and my fiancee. Marriages are something you need to work at all the time, and I'm with you. Sometimes I just don't want to see my fiancee and I want some time alone. But I still absolutely love him to pieces! x

    ReplyDelete
  35. Good view on marriage to let young couples know that it is more than just the expensive wedding date but ever after.

    ReplyDelete
  36. This made me chuckle. My husband is a retail manager and comes home as if he is still at work, moaning if things are not where they should be etc. It takes him a good half an hour to wind down and it infuriates me every time

    ReplyDelete
  37. This is a good read not just for married people but to those who are about to marry too.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Too sad i have been experiencing all of this. I just miss being inlove everyday.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Wow such an interesting read thank you. I'm a few years from marriage I think so great to hear about this now! x

    ReplyDelete
  40. Interesting article on your experiences on marriage. Me and my husband will be celebrating our 6th marriage anniversary on the 20th of Jan and though we have had our share of ups and downs, we haven't had any of those issues as yet. But it is always nice to read another person's perspective on relationship too.

    ReplyDelete
  41. My husband and I have been married for more than 12th years now and we are still happy. We have ups and downs but nothing really that big. Communication is a must in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  42. This is spot on and couldn’t agree anymore . And we’re not even married yet! :)

    ReplyDelete