The Ugly Side of Marriage.

This is one topic that no one likes to talk about. Marriage for many people is the fairy tale that they have always dreamed of. Some marriages work out, some don't. You live with joint families and you live with nuclear families. There are a lot of compromises involved. Some are extremely happy with their marriage (touchwood), some find comfort, some have toxic relationships, some don't want to get married at all.

There are a few things that I have learned during my five years of marriage. Few things that I have seen other people experience it. Things that friends have told me about. Some are good and some are bad. But today, I would really really like to talk about the ugly side of marriage. And by writing this, I don't mean to imply that I am going through it, or maybe I am in a rough patch, or it will necessarily happen to you or all of the below are going to be a part of your life. A healthy marriage is something that you have to work towards all your life. If you give up working towards your marriage, you won't find the joy in life's little things at all. Like other life experiences, it is all about trial and error.

1. You will fall out of love and that is okay. I have no idea why two people in a marriage are forced to be in love all the time. It is okay to be not in love all the time. There are days when I don't even want to see my husband's face and I am sure its vice versa. That is human nature. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore or care less about him. There are days when I want to give up the whole idea of being married. If you are a parent, you know there are times when you think parenting is way too hard and you want to just take a break from being a parent for atleast a day if not a few. The same applies for being married. The whole idea about being in love 24/7 365 days during a marriage just baffles me.

2. You don't have to feel guilty about spending time alone. I am a part of MANY mom groups where women complain about their husbands spending a whole day with their friends or staying out too late. What is he? A man-child? Spend some time on your own, man. I am the kind of person who loves spending time alone. As much as I love my husband and love spending time together with him, I need some time alone for my own sanity. I used to feel guilty about actually feeling good when he was out of the country for work purposes. Not that I didn't miss him. Of course, I did but spending time on my own made me feel so much happier and actually respect the space between us. I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do without having to run by someone or anyone having a say in it. Hell, I could fart as loudly as I could without having to compromise my dignity. And it is just not me. I am sure when I am out all day with my son, my husband gladly accepts that day to catch up on his sleep and watch as many political talk shows as he wants and piling dishes in the kitchen sink (i think they get a weird sense of happiness after piling dirty dishes in the kitchen).

3. You might inherit a man-child. Now, there are certain men on whom this rule won't even come close to the application but there will be days when you will want to scream on top of your lungs at him for leaving his socks in the middle of the hallway and for leaving a sodding wet towel on the bed. Bad enough you are doing it for your children and then another full grown man-child comes along. But you know what? Let this be a lesson for you to teach your children basic manners so that fast forward to a decade or two, a woman like me isn't typing all this all angry and frustrated about doing basic chores that her husband should be accountable for.

4. You might have a critical boss in the house. You know that overly critical boss in your workplace who is always criticising and controlling with what you do? Yep. that's your other half. Now whether its the wife or the husband, there will always be one. There will always be someone who will think that they are right. Either of you will be so critical of everything the other person is doing. And you know why? Habit. Both the partners in a marriage become so habitual to each other that they don't realize when they are over-stepping personal boundaries.

5. There will be a lot of compromises. I am a very 'do-whatever-you-want' kind of parent. While my husband is a very hands-on parent. If a work has to be done a certain way, it will be done that way. While my husband has made peace with my freestyle parenting, I know he will always be the helicopter parent. Now there are going to be big decisions where either of you will have to make compromises according to your lifestyle, like buying a house, making personal changes, making monetary changes, moving in with family, moving away from family. These are all things that no one can predict but the toilet seat will always be up. No matter how many tutorials you show him about how to put the toilet seat down, they will all go in vain.
My husband is 7.5 years elder to me and we are never on the same mental level but we find joy in mutual hobbies and keep going. That is a compromise. There are days when I am an actual child and want someone to understand that but the age gap does come in between and I have to compromise on many things and so is the same case with him. If you live in a joint family in Pakistan, you know that you will have to make a lot of compromises for his family, for your sanity. And when people say 'oh compromising is the beauty of marriage' i want to bitch slap them and tell them that it's not. Like all things in life, there is always an ugly side to everything.

There is good, bad and ugly in every marriage. It is always up to you and your partner whether you want to oversee the good and focus more on the negativity or if you want to learn from the bad and focus more on the good. The key to a healthy marriage is to listen to each other. If you think your partner is toxic (read about it here), take a look at your marriage and see what harm it is doing to you. If you see someone saying 'there is no ugly side in a marriage' you have my full blessing to bitch slap them.