A Letter to my 18 Year Old Self.

Naive: Someone who once was very close to me, called me THAT, when I was debating over a lost relationship. I had to google what it meant. But for some reason, instead of laughing at the meaning, I felt the word striking the very core of my emotional capability. Was I really naive?

Dear 18-year-old self,

I am sitting down in a room that you envisioned years ago. A space for your creativity. It isn't as perfect as you want it to be, but you are content. But the room isn't what this letter is about. I just wanted to write to let you know that you have made it far. You have made it happy. You have tiny fingers that wrap around your heart to make you feel that you are the most wonderful person in this tiny speck of the universe. This tiny human is attached to you by a cord that was once inside your own self, but now although the cord is cut, you might not survive without the life you gave birth to.

Speaking of attachment, you tend to have a very unhealthy relationship with yourself. Why do you want to look for love in all the wrong places is still beyond me? Why do you need the feel to be approved by someone else? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side always? Why do you always run towards toxicity?

It is not easy leaving people. It's not easy to let go of your friends but if they are the only people hurting you so much that it's getting harder and harder to breathe every second of your life, it is time to let go. It will teach you patience. It will teach you love. It will teach you how to control your pain.
Take a stand, my darling. Explore your options. Don't feel the need to get tied down to someone else's convenience. Focus on the things that truly matter, instead of people who will go behind your back anyway and stab you with your own love. They will be the friends who you thought turned into family. Don't self-harm my love. It won't do you any good when your 4-year-old traces those marks and asks you what happened here. Nobody in this world is worth the pain that you self-inflict.

But nonetheless, no matter how much it hurts, Mi Amor, I am so so glad that those relationships and friends didn't work out for you. They taught you the meaning of true self-worth. I am glad the decisions that aren't working out in your favour are slowly making you the person I am today. I can promise you, that you will have no regret 10 years later on. Not one bit. Nada. And my heart is swelling with peace and contentment right now as I type these words out.

Take a breather, sweetheart. It is not important to punish yourself for not studying. But I do wish that you would take the least bit of interest in your studies. It will help you a lot. You don't realise the sweat and tears and the money that your parents have put into getting you a quality education. But you seem not to care. I wish you cared a little bit. Friends and love interests will come and go, but what really matters is the knowledge that will open up your mind and broaden your working horizons in the future. But its okay, as long as you have a goal set to mind and you work towards that goal, you are going to be fine. You have always wanted to be a magazine editor, isn't it? Well, here I am. Writing on our own blog. Our own words. Our own creativity.

I really do wish that you would spend a little more time with your parents though. Instead of rebelling and making yourself being the stubborn child in their eyes. You are going to miss your parents terribly once you are thousands of miles away from them. Make time for them. Spend time with them. Right now, you think that they hate you. but they have your best interest at heart. And don't laugh when your mother tells you that she knows exactly what you are going through. Chances are she has already been there because 20 years later when your own son tells you that 'Mom, you don't know a thing' you will scoff at him because you know exactly what he means.

Oh, sweet child, it is okay to make mistakes. Mistakes make who you will be in 10 years time. You don't need to be impressed by the luxurious lifestyles of people who are struggling to pay rent behind closed doors. You don't need to be impressed by what you look at. It is all temporary. You will get a hold of these things in the future. Trust me. And suddenly, things that money can buy will not make you happy. Experiences will make you happy. You will jump from 60 metres high with only a rope tied to your legs. You will soar over the white hillside of Pamukkale. You will feel like a princess when you enter the magical world of Disney. You will watch countless sunsets and sunrises while travelling over continents. Your dream of always living in London will come true. God works in mysterious ways and you will marvel when things come together piece by piece.

You will cry, You will laugh. You will be in pain. You will experience true happiness. You will have a man who will not be interested in making you perfect, instead, he will fall in love with your imperfections and give a different meaning to your life. He will hold you when you cry. He will hug you when you feel low. He will always be there for you.

Let go of your past. If you don't let go right now, you will still bear the weight of it 10 years later. I am. LET IT GO for us. For the 28-year-old, writing this letter. But I know you won't. Because you are naive. And sometimes that is a good thing.

I just wanted to end this letter by saying thank you. Thank you for rebelling. Thank you for falling in and out of love. Thank you for being a hopeless romantic. Thank you for looking at the good in people. Thank you for always being forgiving. Thank you for being independent. Thank you for living up to that firecracker title that you got a few months back before you finished college.

Lots of love,
Your present self.

P.s: December 1st 2018, put that bloody coke down! You will be crying every single day over the muffin top that creates crevices in your body. Yeah, I know its hard to believe, but its true. 

No comments

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.